Remembering....

So....

From what I can tell, it's perfectly normal to have a day each year to remember someone you've lost. My mom died 10 years ago and I still think about her on her birthday. Normal, I suppose.

This week I remember a loss... but it's not one I talk about much. That's changing, though. I'm sharing more and more of myself with the people around me and I think that's good.

It's also odd in a way...

It makes me remember even more, if that's possible. Maybe it's because more people are checking on me (good thing!) or maybe it's because other people knowing brings about insecurity. Either way, I remember. Sometimes there is grief with the remembering... sometimes there is longing... sometimes joy (makes no sense, I know)... and on and on... many, many feelings.

Remembering is good...

Was it really Friday?

So, one of my facebook friends posted a question the other day and it's really got me thinking. The basic premise of what she was asking is whether Jesus was really crucified on Friday. At first, I think... of course He was.. that's why we celebrate Good Friday. I didn't comment, but was keeping up with reading the comments.

She pointed out Matthew 12:40 which very clearly says Jesus was in the heart of the earth for three days and nights. So.... if you count from Friday to Sunday... that's only two nights. Huh. I'd never thought about it.

The Scripture is pretty clear. So I suppose that means there is no way Jesus was crucified on Friday. I did some reading and some research and asked some friends of mine about it. One of them sent me a really informative article explaining the differing views on this... you know who you are... thank you :) Most people who have really researched it believe it was either Wed night or Thursday.

And after reading... I honestly don't know when I believe Jesus was actually crucified. But I do have to wonder why so many people believe it was Friday. Did people just start celebrating it on Friday because that's when it was convenient to have a day off work?

I don't mind the day off school and work and all.... and actually think it's WONDERFUL! But because of that a lot of people really believe the crucifixion was on Friday.

Not that it matters in any practical sense exactly when it was. Just the fact that Jesus made the sacrifice for us is what we should focus on and be overwhelmed and thankful about.

It's just an interesting think to ponder.... :-)

A Tale of Two Blogs

So, I have two blogs...

I've had this one a while. And then I was asked to write a blog to be put on a local newspaper's website. I enjoy blogging so I set it up and went with it :)

I wonder why I started a new one, though? I could have just put this one up there, but I didn't. Both blogs are listed on my facebook page info, but this one is not "featured" on the website I was talking about.

This one has been more personal... I've put "harder" topics on this one. But this one isn't exactly private... so why not "feature" this one?

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's because I felt the need to develop a little bit of a relationship with the people reading the other blog before I started talking about the deeper things? But that's weird cause blogging is a very one sided relationship. Unless someone comments I have no idea who is reading it.

For some reason it feels like I'm hiding something... I know that's crazy!! :-) It's like I have two different sets of friends that I am willing to talk about different things with. But the thing is I'd answer whatever questions I was asked on either blog.

Oh, well, I do realize I'm rambling so I will stop now. There really wasn't much of a point in this post.... just thinking it through "out loud" :-)

Doesn't Even Compare

I cannot even name the number of times I've heard a preacher, Sunday School teacher, or other Christian compare our relationship with God to our relationship with our children.

In a way it makes sense.... I mean, when we think of how much we love our children and realize that God loves us exponentially more than that... it does *sort of* give us a picture of God's love for us. But when I hear... "just think how much you want the best for your children... in that same way God wants the best for you". Sounds reasonable.... right?

Well, not really. It does sound reasonable if I'm thinking of how much I love my kids... sure. But then I think of how much my parents love me.... God wants the best for me just like my parents want the best for me... right? Well, I hope not.

My dad is not in my life... he is not in my life by his choice. He does not want to have anything to do with me. I've tried to reconnect and he has no interest. I was not perfect in my relationship with him, for sure. But I love him... he's my dad.... and, yet, he doesn't seem to care about me at all.

How is this like God? I hear over and over from different sources that God's love toward us compares in some way to a parent's love for their child.... wow. I sure hope not. Because my dad left me.

I know God will not leave me. He loves me in a way I cannot fully comprehend... in an unconditional, no matter what, all consuming, indescribable way. I believe His love is such that it's not comparable to the way my father loves me. And I would venture to say that my love for my children doesn't even come close to comparing to God's love for me either.

So, while I do understand why people make this comparison.... I just flat out think it's wrong. I think it minimizes what God's love is. While maybe (for some people) the comparison can give a flash of a snippet of His love.... it still does not compare.

And that makes me feel so incredibly blessed that God loves me.... loves me exponentially more than I love my babies. That feels so impossible... but with God.. all things are possible.

Sometimes I'm not okay.

Really. Sometimes I'm not okay. I tend to focus on the positive and the blessings around me... not on the upsetting things around me. People tend to think I'm always okay... better than okay, even.

And that's okay with me... it really is. I love my life :)

But sometimes I'm not okay. Sometimes I'm tired and annoyed and angry and sad. Sometimes I'm just in a funk.

I've been in a funk for a couple days now. I'm tired, I'm annoyed all the time, I'm short with the kids...

There are several possible reasons for this... I'm hormonal... gotta love that ;) I haven't been sleeping well... never fun. And part of it, I'm sure, is the fact that this past Wed would have been my mother's birthday. She died one week before my first child was born.

My childhood years were less than ideal. I wasn't terribly close to my mother. But I still miss her... I miss the idea of her... I miss what I could have had... what I should have had. Most people around me have a mom. They have a mom to help with their kids or at the very least a mom to call and talk to every once in a while. I don't have that... and my mom's birthday reminds me of it.

I in no way want to imply that I haven't had people who were there for me.. I have :) I have had wonderful, Godly women who have prayed for me and loved me. And I am thankful. Still miss my mom, though.

Sorry this post was depressing. But I am human... and sometimes... I'm not okay.

Soccer Mom!

Well, I'm officially a literal "soccer mom" :-) My three older kids all play this year and it's fun for them. I played soccer when I was in high school so once they get older and the games get more exciting I really enjoy watching. My girls are still at the age where they are learning and it tends to be a madhouse at times, but they are cute :)

It does get challenging at times with the babies, though. The weather has been an issue and it's hard to watch the games when both the little ones are there. We do manage, but for practices we swap off and one parent stays home with the others while the other parent attends the practice. The girls practice too early for that, though, because my hubby isn't home from work yet so I have to go with all the kids by myself. We make it work, though. My oldest does his homework in the van and the babies and I hang out and watch the practice... sometimes it's cold, though.

The cold brings me to a different subject.... what with people who want to tell you what you're doing wrong as a mom all the time? I mean, so I don't have a hat on my baby... apparently that is just an awful awful thing. The day I'm thinking of, it was cold, but not THAT cold. It was about 50 degrees... chilly, but not temps where my baby would die if he didn't have a hat on. And that's another thing... kids don't get sick (colds and flu) from being cold!!!! They get sick from being exposed to germs. This is apparently something a lot of people don't understand. I can't name the number of times I've been told "oooh... where's their jacket, they are going to catch a cold!". That's not how it works people. It just doesn't. The thing is, I'm perfectly willing to put jackets and hats on my babies, but some of them tend to be on the warm side. Some people are freezing all the time and some people are hot all the time.... some of my children and I are hot all the time, so when we are outside in 50 degree weather it feels good to us, especially. We don't want to wear a jacket. That's not something I want to explain to people I don't know who are commenting on my mothering skills, though.

Oh, well :-)

Personalities

Sorry it's been a while!

I've been thinking a lot lately about personalities. It is interesting to me to watch how people with different personality types than mine handle situations. Most of the time I don't think there is a right or wrong way to handle situations... just different ways. And that's okay and even good.

But when do we go to far? I mean, when is it wrong to explain away someone's actions by saying "oh, that's just how their personality type handles things!"? Sometimes there is a right and a wrong, I believe. Sometimes we have to work past our tendencies and comfort zone in order to do the right thing. How do we know when that's the case?

I mean, the comfort zone of our personality is a good thing. God gave some of us a personality that tends to be louder and more outspoken and some of us a personality that tends toward being quiet and keeping to themselves. And that's good! We should embrace how God made us! I believe that fully and completely. For a long time I tried and wanted to change myself. I tend to be outspoken and loud (ha! understatement!) and I tried to be quieter... tried to be different. It didn't work! And that is because God has fashioned me how he wants me and I love that!

But (and it's a big one!) I cannot and should not use that as an excuse to be out of control with loudness or to be outspoken when there is a time to keep my mouth shut. Just because we tend toward something doesn't make it right to always be that way. Sometimes God calls us out of the comfort zone of our personality and asks the quiet person to be loud, the shy person to be outspoken, the outspoken person to keep their mouth shut. Sometimes we are to see the weaknesses in our personality tendencies and work through them and try to improve them. If we have a tendency to be unforgiving, we should work toward forgiveness or if we have a tendency toward bitterness we should work toward joy.

How do we know when to move out of our comfort zone? Well, when it comes to our tendencies toward sin or harmful thought processes... the answer is always. I tend toward laziness (I do!) and I have to continually work through that and purposefully try to overcome that. The same is true for gossip, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc. We should always be moving outside our comfort zone in those areas (and more... that was a very short list).

But what if there isn't necessarily a choice that is sin? Some choices just aren't black and white... there isn't a right or wrong. Sometimes it's a choice between good and better or better and best. Sometimes it might not be wrong to speak up, but it would be better to stay quiet. Sometimes it might not be wrong to say yes to serving in an area, but it might be best for your family if you say no. Sometimes is just not simple. So, how do we know what's right?

We pray. Yep. It's simple.

But (and it's another big one) sometimes we don't get an answer... sometimes we pray and we still don't know what to do.

Know what I think we should do then?

Whatever we want. Yep. Sometimes God just lets us pick what we want.

And in those times, a lot of us agonize over figuring out what God is telling us to do when, in reality, He is telling us... He's telling us that He wants us to have the desires of our heart and we should do what we want.

Boy, I hope I don't miss out on a lot of blessings because I'm agonizing over a choice where this is the case.