Authenticity - does Supermom really exist?

Lots of people think I'm Supermom :-) It's really very flattering :-) And I do love my life and am decent at organizing my home and pretty good at taking care of my kids most days (only by the grace of God, of course)... but Supermom? Really?

I post status updates on facebook about my kids and my husband and my life... I send emails and have conversations... and as a result of what I say, a lot of people think of me as this amazing, strong, "has it all together" mom and wife. People ask me questions and ask my advice. And I LOVE IT! I do. I have a heart for sharing my life with others and for helping others not make the same mistakes I did. LOVE it.

But sometimes I'm not okay. Sometimes I don't have it all together. What's up with that? ;-) And sometimes, it seems to me, that nobody notices. And every once in a while that bugs me.... so what's up with that?

For one thing, the face that 'nobody' notices just isn't true... my husband notices, my kids notice, and most of the time at least one of my very close friends notices... that happened recently, in fact :-) So, to say nobody notices is a lie. People notice... just not many people... and certainly not the people who think I'm Supermom.

Another thing... It's my own fault!!! 99% of the things I say about my life are positive... so why would anyone think I'm not okay? I can't blame them... how are they supposed to know I'm having a hard time if I don't tell them? Yikes!

All of this got me to wondering if I'm a liar? Do I just really enjoy the attention that being Supermom all the time brings? Am I being dishonest about my life in order to give this impression? This really started bugging me. Lying is something I an NOT okay with... so am I some kind of secret habitual liar leading a secret life?

I began to do the only thing I knew to do to sort this out. Pray. I asked God to show me the truth about myself. Why did what others think about me seem so far removed from the reality of my life?

God slowly has started showing me things about myself and my life. I am not a liar. I'm just positive... not bragging, just sayin.... Also, God is showing me that the reason I have a tendency toward being positive is because my life has been just plain awful and miserable in the past, so I appreciate what I have right now. My life IS good. I LOVE it. But it's not easy. I think that's where I've gone wrong. Somehow in being positive and loving my life I've given off the impression that my life is easy. It's not.

So... what to do? Complain a lot so people "know" my life isn't easy? Continue to be positive and let people think I'm Supermom even if I don't think I am? There has to be a balance there somewhere and that's what the point of this blog is :-)

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am "real". I don't pretend to be someone I'm not... so, for now, I am positive... and if that makes me Supermom in some people's eyes... then great! I am sure God will use that for His glory somehow. And if I end up at a point where I am "faking it" in order to be positive... I will stop... because it's not who I am. And if you are going to know me, you are going to know who I really am. Supermom or not, like it or not.

Now, where did I put that cape? :-)

Vomit

Well, I've been gone a little while. I like to read blogs and really enjoy blogs that are updated often so I try to update mine regularly. But life was interrupted last week by a stomach virus (EW!). First, my four year old got it, then my two year old, and then I got it. Let's just say it was NOT FUN!!! Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who took care of me while I had it. He really went above and beyond. I love that man!!!

What else is up? Well, my oldest has a science fair project to do which will keep our week full. He's in fourth grade and really loves the experiment part of these things, but the actual board... not so much. Can't blame him, really... the experiment is the fun part!!

Soccer starts back this week. All three of the older ones play and it gets busy, but that's okay :) They all practice on the same day at different fields and sometimes the running stresses me out, but we survive. Games will start in a couple of weeks.

Other than that, it's just normal life... there is some meal planning software I've started using, which I LOVE! I'll share details later. I also need to post the pictures of the before and after of my home organization stuff. Hopefully I'll get to that soon :-)

Contentment

Contentment is a big word. I looked it up in the dictionary and the definition that stood out to me was 'being satisfied'. So, the question is... "Am I content?" "Am I satisfied?" "Do I have contentment?"

In short, yes. Most of the time, I do feel content. There are some moments and even some days where I go through the "I wants", but for the most part, I am content and satisfied.

What got me thinking about this is that show Wifeswap. It's not a show I normally watch, and it still isn't... but the other day I wasn't feeling good and was laying in bed watching tv and a rerun of Wifeswap came on, so I watched it. On that show, they have very extreme situations... and they pick extreme opposites, for ratings I'm sure.

But what if there was a real life opportunity for us to temporarily swap lives with someone else? The times that I struggle with contentment are when I look around at other people's lives and think that I want what they have. What if I could swap lives with these people for a few weeks and live their life? At the end of that time would I want to stay in their life, or would I want my life back?

I think we all have a fantasy life in our heads that would be our "ideal"... but we don't live in an ideal world and even what I consider the perfect life would have hardships and difficulties. So, recognizing that there is no such thing as the perfect life... I'll look at mine... the major areas in my life are:

--My husband - There is absolutely nothing I would change about him. He is not perfect and has his faults, but the things he has struggled with have contributed to the man that he is, and I love the man that he is, so I wouldn't change him. At all. He is simply amazing and is absolutely the perfect man for me. So, no way, no how would I change this area of my life.

--My children - They are hilarious! They are tons of work. They suck energy out of me and at the same time motivate me. Each of them is unique and amazing in their own way, and I cannot imagine my life without them. So, nope. Wouldn't change it.

--My "job" - I am a stay at home mom. And I'm not really stay at home mom material. I'm not that "type". There is a lot about my job that I don't like. But if I did anything else I would not have my time with my kids. Would having a job that paid money be something I'd want? We could use the money, for sure. But it just wouldn't be worth it. Time with my kids is more important to me. So, nope. Wouldn't change this either.

--My church - This has been an issue for me. We had a church that we fell in love with and where we grew a lot as Christians. For a long time we compared our other churches to that church, and that created discontentment. At the church we are at now, we struggled with discontentment for a while. But, now, we love it :) We truly have a family there. And... even when we were having some discontentment issues, we could not leave because of our wonderful relationships there, so I guess we must not have been that discontent. So, wouldn't change that either.

--My financial situation - This is the kicker. I'm not content with my financial situation. But (and this is a big but), it's my own fault. We got ourselves into debt early on and are paying the consequences now. And that's not the only contentment issue with money... I do admit that I look around and see all the "stuff" other people have and want it. I'd like to have a bigger house and a better van and extra money to spend on things. And when I look at our situation, a lot of it is because of our debt... but even after that is paid off, God is taking us to a place where we see that our money would be better spent on things other than the latest trendy purse or shoes. So, it has become obvious to me that my discontentment in this area is due to selfishness. I'm selfish. I admit it. God is working on me though :-)

--My relationship with God - I could write a lot about this and this post is already really long.. so I will just say that I am fully satisfied by Christ. I will also say that I am not fully satisfied by my level of commitment and obedience to Him. And, I could go on and on in explanation about this, but I won't right now... maybe another post :-)

So, if I really look at my life... Praise God!!!! He is awesome and amazing and it is only because of Him that I have the life I have. And I LOVE my life!!! :-)

Wifeswap? I think I'd want my life back. I wouldn't trade my life for anybody's life I know. And those things I look around and see in other people's lives that make me jealous or envious... not worth it. When it comes down to it, I'd rather live in my little house with my wonderful husband and my big family without cable and driving my old cars than have all the 'stuff' other people have and miss out on my amazing life.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me!

Now, this hasn't always been true, and it has been a struggle to get to this point, so I plan to share my journey in this area in the future...

So, until next time....

Calling, Birth Control, etc....

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about God's calling on our lives. The fact that He calls each of us (Christians) to different things. The fact that most Christians I know, at some point, seem to become discontent with their calling and want a calling that is not theirs, or even want no calling at all.... I've just been contemplating the "why" of this... the fact that we tend to question our calling, or ignore our calling, or be completely ignorant to what our call is.

I'm guilty for sure. God has called me to some things that I thing "wha??? God, you're crazy!". Okay, so maybe you don't think I should talk to God that way, but I do. God knows I'm thinking it, so I may as well say it to Him :-) Anyway, I do not understand they "why" of God's call on my life. And I have certainly seen someone who is called to some amazing ministry and wondered why God didn't call me to that. I've also been tired and just flat out not wanted to serve or minister in any way.

So, how do we become content with God's call on our lives? How do we figure out what His call for us is?

The initial response of most Christians would be "pray". And, yes, that's true to a certain extent. But with some things in my life I've been called to, I never got that "lightning bolt" where God just came out of the clouds and told me what to do. I've mentioned before that we don't use birth control, so this is as good a time as any to share how we got to where we are on that issue...

When I was about to get married, I started taking the birth control pill. Mostly because it was the thing to do, and quite honestly, making a different choice didn't even cross my mind. My husband to be and I didn't even really discuss it. Fast forward a year... I accepted Christ... this is important because if I didn't know Christ, I wouldn't be able to hear from God.

Fast forward another several months.... I just started to become uncomfortable with birth control. There was no real apparent reason for this... there was just a discomfort there. I mentioned something to my husband about it, but we didn't really think much of it. Fast forward another few months... a couple friend of ours who we really weren't very close to, talked to us about the pill and gave us some reading material on the way it works. Once we read it, we were both so uncomfortable about it, we just could not use it. There was no question in either of our minds that it was wrong for us to use it. We didn't even need to pray about it. We just couldn't do it. We knew it was wrong.

One week later I found out I was pregnant :-) I had become pregnant while taking the pill and didn't know it (no antibiotics or missed pills), so needless to say, birth control was not an issue for several months :-)

After our baby was born, we started discussing options. We knew the pill was out, we knew we wanted more kids so we weren't willing to do anything permanent, so we started looking into other options. Without going into too many details, we just couldn't find a method of birth control that we were comfortable with. The way hormonal birth control works (this includes IUD's, Norplant, Depo Provera, the pill) is disturbing to me and something I was unaware of for a long time.

Okay, so at this point we didn't know what to do, and we started praying. Yes, maybe we should have started praying earlier than this, but we didn't. It wasn't till we were in a bind and unsure of what to do that we started praying. I'm not saying whether that was right or wrong, but it's just the truth... and, honestly, while I do believe we should constantly be in a state of prayer and talking with God, I also believe that sometimes we just know what's right. It's hard to explain, but we just know. So, we started praying and researching... and every time we'd look into a different form of birth control, we either felt it was unbiblical or it just wouldn't work for us (again, trying not to give tmi). After talking and praying, we came to the conclusion that the reason we weren't comfortable with these birth control methods and the reason they wouldn't work for us is because God wanted us to just trust Him. So, we did.

In between my first child and second child we conceived and lost four babies to miscarriage. This was hard and sad. We were confused as to why God would lead us to stop using birth control completely and then give us babies only to take them away. Our struggle during this time is a different story for a different day.

Then we conceived our second child and carried her to term with no complications. We had a boy and a girl now, and everyone thought we should stop having kids. But, no.. we didn't want to be "done", so not long after that, we conceived and carried to term another girl. They were 20 months apart and this was getting hard, so we went through a time of re-evaluation. Should we stop having kids? Should we do something permanent? Look into the birth control methods again? What to do, what to do?

So, we researched again. And we prayed again. Quite honestly, the permanent forms of birth control have side effects that are not okay with us. Side effects that doctors aren't quick to tell us about, or to scan over like they are not a big deal. But if they happen to you they are a big deal. Again... discomfort. We just weren't comfortable with our choices. We were having a hard time. As we did pray, we were convicted to look at our motives for not wanting more children. All we could come up with is that it was HARD and that we don't have a lot of money.

And it was hard... I am not a kid person. Yeah, that sounds terrible... but if you put me in a room full of kids, I am NOT in my comfort zone. My husband likes his space and his time... so why would we have more kids in our small home? I have no patience and go crazy at home and there are a ton more "reasons" why having more kids didn't make sense for us. And we don't have a lot of money. We have three bedrooms and in a day and age where kids supposedly "need" their own room, it's easy to say that we don't have enough room. And then there is the argument that while pregnant I am so much more impatient, so much less fun as a Mom, and very tired... and that because of these things it wasn't fair to my children to have more. So, there were tons of "reasons" why we couldn't and shouldn't have more children. Tons of them.

But sometimes God calls us out of our comfort zone... out of what might make sense to our worldly standards.. He calls us to set aside our wants and what we think our needs are and make a sacrifice. And the way I just worded that makes me uncomfortable... because while, yes, we made a sacrifice by having more children, our "sacrifice" has brought us unspeakable joy :-)

So, we knew God was speaking to our hearts and we decided to trust Him. After almost two years (of not using birth control of any kind... God definitely spaced our babies when in the past there was not much space) we conceived and carried to term a baby boy :) That helped me trust God. It helped me that He gave us a long space between kids. That way I didn't feel like I'd be having baby after baby after baby with no space in between.

Then I got pregnant again very quickly with baby number 5. And I didn't like it... I was upset and for the majority of the pregnancy I questioned God and quite honestly didn't want the baby. It sounds terrible and horrible, but it's true. I didn't want to be pregnant, I didn't want to have and take care of a baby. I just didn't :(

Then he was born. And I still questioned everything. He was cute and sweet... blah, blah, blah... but he was still a needy little newborn that consumed my time. But then God did it... He, as He always is, was faithful. And He gave me a moment, or a series of moments, really, where I just fell in love with my baby. Yes, he is needy, but he is precious and amazing and wonderful and I cannot imagine our lives without him. God is so good!

My husband and I just know that this is what God has called us to. We feel blessed that God would entrust us with these precious babies. And, admittedly, at times we are stressed and confused and we question. But God is faithful :) All of our arguments and excuses for not wanting more children just don't hold water. I'm not a kid person... I'm seriously not a fan of rooms full of other people's children. But God has blessed me with the most amazing and wonderful children.... so, while I'm not a huge fan of children in general, I am a fan of my sweet babies :-) And the no money argument.... my goodness, anyone in the world who owns as much as we do is wealthy by the world's standards. We had to seek God in helping us get over the fact that the people around us have more stuff than us, but that stuff is not eternal while our children's souls are. We wouldn't trade our babies for all the money in the world. Biblically, children are blessings... the love of money is the root of all evil. So, to put the fact that I want more stuff over the fact that God is calling us to have babies would be very, very wrong. And then the argument that it isn't fair to my kids... that is just ridiculous!! My older kids ADORE their baby brothers and sisters! The love in this house is multiplied each time a baby comes, it is not divided, as some would argue.

So, as far as knowing what our calling is... yes, pray! We did. But sometimes along the path, God just spoke to us. He didn't speak to us in huge lightning bolt ways, he spoke to us by making us uncomfortable. He spoke to us by putting people in our path that would tell us what we needed to hear. He spoke to us in many ways and at the times we were willing to listen, it was very clear what we should do. We learned that if we are teachable, willing, and listening that God speaks and leads and it is gently and quietly.... and sometimes it is way outside what we consider common sense and is definitely outside our comfort zone.

Before anyone gets offended, I do want to say that this is a description of our journey on this. And while I do think that in America our attitude toward children isn't what it should be, I don't believe that everyone should just try to have as many babies as they can. Each and every Christian couple should seek God's will for their lives in this area, be willing to listen, and then do as God leads.

So, there it is :-) Have a blessed day!

It's COLD!

Well, if you live further north than I do, you'll think I'm crazy, but for the deep south... this is COLD!!! This morning when I got up it was 16 degrees. There is a chance of wintry precipitation of some sort tomorrow... this is just not normal for us!

To be honest, I like cold weather and normally we don't get much of it. The thing that makes me dread it here is that people here just don't handle it well. The preparedness level for dealing with cold weather and ice is just not very high. Kids don't have really heavy coats because we don't normally need them. Just the slight possibility of some ice causes everyone to freak out and go buy all the bread and water in the stores.

There was one time they were saying we might be getting a storm (this was for a hurricane, though.. not cold weather) and I was in Walmart doing normal shopping. I was trying to get back into the drink section to buy some soda and there were lots of people there... I was standing there waiting for them to get out of the way and all of a sudden someone dropped a big thing of bottled water in my buggy... I was in line for water and didn't know it!!! That storm didn't hit us, by the way...

Also, if we do have ice on the roads, people here just can't drive in it... but they won't admit that, and they will try... and they will wreck. Yikes!

So, it's not the weather itself that concerns me, it's the fact that when people are put in a situation they are not used to... they tend to freak.

Pray for us! :-)

Happy New Year!!

Well, it's 2010! I pray it's a blessed and growing year for anyone reading this :-)

In the past, I've done very different things in terms of resolutions... some years I have made a list of resolutions and other years I have refused to because I never seem to follow through. So, this year, in line with the name of this blog, I'm going for balance :-) Rather than make a list of resolutions that may or may not be accomplished... lets face it, a year is a long time, and a lot can change in a year... I have decided to pray about, decide on, and write out a guiding principle for the year. At first I was trying to write this long, drawn out, pretty sounding sentence... but I just started hearing the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher in my head. That's not a good start ;-) So, I decided to be very simple and direct (the way I like it!)...

This year (2010) I will focus on being thankful.

I looked up the word "thankful" in an online thesaurus and this is what I found:

Main Entry: thankful

Part of Speech: adjective

Definition: appreciative

Synonyms: beholden, content, contented, grateful, gratified, indebted, much obliged, obliged, overwhelmed, pleased, relieved, satisfied.

Antonyms: critical, thankless, unappreciative, ungrateful, unthankful


I just LOVE that list of synonyms and it completely describes what I want my attitude about life and about God to be. I've just read that list over and over and over again... and I will be meditating on it a lot this year. I do believe that an attitude of thankfulness will spill over into my actions and into the attitudes of those I love. And the list of antonyms... those words are ugly and I do not want to reflect those attitudes in my life.

So, my prayer for this year is that God would cultivate an attitude of thankfulness in my heart and life.

I am incredibly thankful for my friends and family! Love you! :-)

And so it begins....