Remembering....

So....

From what I can tell, it's perfectly normal to have a day each year to remember someone you've lost. My mom died 10 years ago and I still think about her on her birthday. Normal, I suppose.

This week I remember a loss... but it's not one I talk about much. That's changing, though. I'm sharing more and more of myself with the people around me and I think that's good.

It's also odd in a way...

It makes me remember even more, if that's possible. Maybe it's because more people are checking on me (good thing!) or maybe it's because other people knowing brings about insecurity. Either way, I remember. Sometimes there is grief with the remembering... sometimes there is longing... sometimes joy (makes no sense, I know)... and on and on... many, many feelings.

Remembering is good...

Was it really Friday?

So, one of my facebook friends posted a question the other day and it's really got me thinking. The basic premise of what she was asking is whether Jesus was really crucified on Friday. At first, I think... of course He was.. that's why we celebrate Good Friday. I didn't comment, but was keeping up with reading the comments.

She pointed out Matthew 12:40 which very clearly says Jesus was in the heart of the earth for three days and nights. So.... if you count from Friday to Sunday... that's only two nights. Huh. I'd never thought about it.

The Scripture is pretty clear. So I suppose that means there is no way Jesus was crucified on Friday. I did some reading and some research and asked some friends of mine about it. One of them sent me a really informative article explaining the differing views on this... you know who you are... thank you :) Most people who have really researched it believe it was either Wed night or Thursday.

And after reading... I honestly don't know when I believe Jesus was actually crucified. But I do have to wonder why so many people believe it was Friday. Did people just start celebrating it on Friday because that's when it was convenient to have a day off work?

I don't mind the day off school and work and all.... and actually think it's WONDERFUL! But because of that a lot of people really believe the crucifixion was on Friday.

Not that it matters in any practical sense exactly when it was. Just the fact that Jesus made the sacrifice for us is what we should focus on and be overwhelmed and thankful about.

It's just an interesting think to ponder.... :-)

A Tale of Two Blogs

So, I have two blogs...

I've had this one a while. And then I was asked to write a blog to be put on a local newspaper's website. I enjoy blogging so I set it up and went with it :)

I wonder why I started a new one, though? I could have just put this one up there, but I didn't. Both blogs are listed on my facebook page info, but this one is not "featured" on the website I was talking about.

This one has been more personal... I've put "harder" topics on this one. But this one isn't exactly private... so why not "feature" this one?

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's because I felt the need to develop a little bit of a relationship with the people reading the other blog before I started talking about the deeper things? But that's weird cause blogging is a very one sided relationship. Unless someone comments I have no idea who is reading it.

For some reason it feels like I'm hiding something... I know that's crazy!! :-) It's like I have two different sets of friends that I am willing to talk about different things with. But the thing is I'd answer whatever questions I was asked on either blog.

Oh, well, I do realize I'm rambling so I will stop now. There really wasn't much of a point in this post.... just thinking it through "out loud" :-)

Doesn't Even Compare

I cannot even name the number of times I've heard a preacher, Sunday School teacher, or other Christian compare our relationship with God to our relationship with our children.

In a way it makes sense.... I mean, when we think of how much we love our children and realize that God loves us exponentially more than that... it does *sort of* give us a picture of God's love for us. But when I hear... "just think how much you want the best for your children... in that same way God wants the best for you". Sounds reasonable.... right?

Well, not really. It does sound reasonable if I'm thinking of how much I love my kids... sure. But then I think of how much my parents love me.... God wants the best for me just like my parents want the best for me... right? Well, I hope not.

My dad is not in my life... he is not in my life by his choice. He does not want to have anything to do with me. I've tried to reconnect and he has no interest. I was not perfect in my relationship with him, for sure. But I love him... he's my dad.... and, yet, he doesn't seem to care about me at all.

How is this like God? I hear over and over from different sources that God's love toward us compares in some way to a parent's love for their child.... wow. I sure hope not. Because my dad left me.

I know God will not leave me. He loves me in a way I cannot fully comprehend... in an unconditional, no matter what, all consuming, indescribable way. I believe His love is such that it's not comparable to the way my father loves me. And I would venture to say that my love for my children doesn't even come close to comparing to God's love for me either.

So, while I do understand why people make this comparison.... I just flat out think it's wrong. I think it minimizes what God's love is. While maybe (for some people) the comparison can give a flash of a snippet of His love.... it still does not compare.

And that makes me feel so incredibly blessed that God loves me.... loves me exponentially more than I love my babies. That feels so impossible... but with God.. all things are possible.

Sometimes I'm not okay.

Really. Sometimes I'm not okay. I tend to focus on the positive and the blessings around me... not on the upsetting things around me. People tend to think I'm always okay... better than okay, even.

And that's okay with me... it really is. I love my life :)

But sometimes I'm not okay. Sometimes I'm tired and annoyed and angry and sad. Sometimes I'm just in a funk.

I've been in a funk for a couple days now. I'm tired, I'm annoyed all the time, I'm short with the kids...

There are several possible reasons for this... I'm hormonal... gotta love that ;) I haven't been sleeping well... never fun. And part of it, I'm sure, is the fact that this past Wed would have been my mother's birthday. She died one week before my first child was born.

My childhood years were less than ideal. I wasn't terribly close to my mother. But I still miss her... I miss the idea of her... I miss what I could have had... what I should have had. Most people around me have a mom. They have a mom to help with their kids or at the very least a mom to call and talk to every once in a while. I don't have that... and my mom's birthday reminds me of it.

I in no way want to imply that I haven't had people who were there for me.. I have :) I have had wonderful, Godly women who have prayed for me and loved me. And I am thankful. Still miss my mom, though.

Sorry this post was depressing. But I am human... and sometimes... I'm not okay.

Soccer Mom!

Well, I'm officially a literal "soccer mom" :-) My three older kids all play this year and it's fun for them. I played soccer when I was in high school so once they get older and the games get more exciting I really enjoy watching. My girls are still at the age where they are learning and it tends to be a madhouse at times, but they are cute :)

It does get challenging at times with the babies, though. The weather has been an issue and it's hard to watch the games when both the little ones are there. We do manage, but for practices we swap off and one parent stays home with the others while the other parent attends the practice. The girls practice too early for that, though, because my hubby isn't home from work yet so I have to go with all the kids by myself. We make it work, though. My oldest does his homework in the van and the babies and I hang out and watch the practice... sometimes it's cold, though.

The cold brings me to a different subject.... what with people who want to tell you what you're doing wrong as a mom all the time? I mean, so I don't have a hat on my baby... apparently that is just an awful awful thing. The day I'm thinking of, it was cold, but not THAT cold. It was about 50 degrees... chilly, but not temps where my baby would die if he didn't have a hat on. And that's another thing... kids don't get sick (colds and flu) from being cold!!!! They get sick from being exposed to germs. This is apparently something a lot of people don't understand. I can't name the number of times I've been told "oooh... where's their jacket, they are going to catch a cold!". That's not how it works people. It just doesn't. The thing is, I'm perfectly willing to put jackets and hats on my babies, but some of them tend to be on the warm side. Some people are freezing all the time and some people are hot all the time.... some of my children and I are hot all the time, so when we are outside in 50 degree weather it feels good to us, especially. We don't want to wear a jacket. That's not something I want to explain to people I don't know who are commenting on my mothering skills, though.

Oh, well :-)

Personalities

Sorry it's been a while!

I've been thinking a lot lately about personalities. It is interesting to me to watch how people with different personality types than mine handle situations. Most of the time I don't think there is a right or wrong way to handle situations... just different ways. And that's okay and even good.

But when do we go to far? I mean, when is it wrong to explain away someone's actions by saying "oh, that's just how their personality type handles things!"? Sometimes there is a right and a wrong, I believe. Sometimes we have to work past our tendencies and comfort zone in order to do the right thing. How do we know when that's the case?

I mean, the comfort zone of our personality is a good thing. God gave some of us a personality that tends to be louder and more outspoken and some of us a personality that tends toward being quiet and keeping to themselves. And that's good! We should embrace how God made us! I believe that fully and completely. For a long time I tried and wanted to change myself. I tend to be outspoken and loud (ha! understatement!) and I tried to be quieter... tried to be different. It didn't work! And that is because God has fashioned me how he wants me and I love that!

But (and it's a big one!) I cannot and should not use that as an excuse to be out of control with loudness or to be outspoken when there is a time to keep my mouth shut. Just because we tend toward something doesn't make it right to always be that way. Sometimes God calls us out of the comfort zone of our personality and asks the quiet person to be loud, the shy person to be outspoken, the outspoken person to keep their mouth shut. Sometimes we are to see the weaknesses in our personality tendencies and work through them and try to improve them. If we have a tendency to be unforgiving, we should work toward forgiveness or if we have a tendency toward bitterness we should work toward joy.

How do we know when to move out of our comfort zone? Well, when it comes to our tendencies toward sin or harmful thought processes... the answer is always. I tend toward laziness (I do!) and I have to continually work through that and purposefully try to overcome that. The same is true for gossip, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc. We should always be moving outside our comfort zone in those areas (and more... that was a very short list).

But what if there isn't necessarily a choice that is sin? Some choices just aren't black and white... there isn't a right or wrong. Sometimes it's a choice between good and better or better and best. Sometimes it might not be wrong to speak up, but it would be better to stay quiet. Sometimes it might not be wrong to say yes to serving in an area, but it might be best for your family if you say no. Sometimes is just not simple. So, how do we know what's right?

We pray. Yep. It's simple.

But (and it's another big one) sometimes we don't get an answer... sometimes we pray and we still don't know what to do.

Know what I think we should do then?

Whatever we want. Yep. Sometimes God just lets us pick what we want.

And in those times, a lot of us agonize over figuring out what God is telling us to do when, in reality, He is telling us... He's telling us that He wants us to have the desires of our heart and we should do what we want.

Boy, I hope I don't miss out on a lot of blessings because I'm agonizing over a choice where this is the case.

Being Teachable

Most of the time I think I'm teachable. I mean, when I want to learn more about something I read and study and ask people all the while keeping my mind open to what I am reading or learning about. And even if I'm not trying to learn something new, if a situation comes up I am willing to ask for, and listen to, advice from other people. I learn from situations in my life and I learn from situations in other people's lives.

But some people accuse me of being unteachable, unwilling to listen to reason, and stubborn. So, I'm typing out some thoughts to try to sort through it all.

--Sometimes I am unwilling to learn from somebody because they don't agree with me on certain things. I try not to do this, but I do. I can tend to discredit people in my mind and am no longer willing to learn from them... this is usually only over certain topics (those that are most important to me).. but it is still wrong. God can teach me through all types of people with all types of views.

--Sometimes I am unwilling to learn about a topic because I don't want to have to act on that knowledge. Lets face it... sometimes ignorance really is bliss. If I'm ignorant about something I don't have to act on it.

--Sometimes I am unwilling to learn from a situation where I have been hurt. I just want to forget about it and move on so I no longer have to feel the hurt. But it is always better to learn from these hurts... just don't want to sometimes.

--I tend to go to people last when I'm wanting to learn about something. I study, research, and read all I can before I talk to people. Not sure why... and I'm not sure if this is good or bad... but it's just the way I do things. Part of it is that I do not want to be ignorant about something if I'm the one who brings it up in a conversation.

The kicker for me, though, is finding the balance when I truly am being teachable but don't agree with the person teaching me. If someone comes to me and is trying to convince me of something, they accuse me of being unteachable when I do not agree with them in the end. Where is the balance here? And, in thinking through it, I think I do this to people too... if I believe I am right about something and am sharing with somebody and they leave the conversation thinking I'm wrong.... I have a tendency to believe they just had an unteachable heart. How do I know? Maybe they really did take everything in... and they just simply don't agree. People who are very passionate about certain things have tried to convince me they are right... and I have listened and prayed and read and considered... but in the end I just believe they are wrong. This isn't being unteachable... this is being confident in my beliefs, views, and convictions.

But how do being teachable and being confident balance? How do I prevent the confidence in my beliefs and convictions from becoming arrogance? How can I be sure of what I believe and still be teachable? Should I always be teachable?

Hmmmm.....

Awesome is the only word....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GU8J5l1f5IU&feature=player_embedded

Not Cut Out for This....

I am not cut out for single motherhood! My husband is out of town this week and I do NOT like it at all. Part of it is that he is such an amazing, wonderful, helpful husband. He helps with the house and the kids and all the shuttling of children from one place to another. And he does all of that without complaining. Doing all of that by myself is hard... mostly the logistics of it... sitting at my older child's soccer practice with the babies is just not fun, and if my husband is here we can tag team and it's much easier.

But, really, I can handle that for a week at a time if I have to. It's not fun, but I can handle it. The part that is SO hard is that he is my best friend!! I love chatting with him about my day and his day and talking through decisions with him. It's just difficult for me not to have that. Neither of us are really phone people, so it's just not the same. I enjoy his company. I miss him!!!

He was not supposed to have as many trips as he does with his job. We thought he would have two per year (a week long each), but it's ending up being more like six trips per year. *sigh*

I know it's wimpy. Several friends of mine are military wives and moms and live without their husbands for months on end. I honestly don't think I could do it.

I miss my sweetie!!

Authenticity - does Supermom really exist?

Lots of people think I'm Supermom :-) It's really very flattering :-) And I do love my life and am decent at organizing my home and pretty good at taking care of my kids most days (only by the grace of God, of course)... but Supermom? Really?

I post status updates on facebook about my kids and my husband and my life... I send emails and have conversations... and as a result of what I say, a lot of people think of me as this amazing, strong, "has it all together" mom and wife. People ask me questions and ask my advice. And I LOVE IT! I do. I have a heart for sharing my life with others and for helping others not make the same mistakes I did. LOVE it.

But sometimes I'm not okay. Sometimes I don't have it all together. What's up with that? ;-) And sometimes, it seems to me, that nobody notices. And every once in a while that bugs me.... so what's up with that?

For one thing, the face that 'nobody' notices just isn't true... my husband notices, my kids notice, and most of the time at least one of my very close friends notices... that happened recently, in fact :-) So, to say nobody notices is a lie. People notice... just not many people... and certainly not the people who think I'm Supermom.

Another thing... It's my own fault!!! 99% of the things I say about my life are positive... so why would anyone think I'm not okay? I can't blame them... how are they supposed to know I'm having a hard time if I don't tell them? Yikes!

All of this got me to wondering if I'm a liar? Do I just really enjoy the attention that being Supermom all the time brings? Am I being dishonest about my life in order to give this impression? This really started bugging me. Lying is something I an NOT okay with... so am I some kind of secret habitual liar leading a secret life?

I began to do the only thing I knew to do to sort this out. Pray. I asked God to show me the truth about myself. Why did what others think about me seem so far removed from the reality of my life?

God slowly has started showing me things about myself and my life. I am not a liar. I'm just positive... not bragging, just sayin.... Also, God is showing me that the reason I have a tendency toward being positive is because my life has been just plain awful and miserable in the past, so I appreciate what I have right now. My life IS good. I LOVE it. But it's not easy. I think that's where I've gone wrong. Somehow in being positive and loving my life I've given off the impression that my life is easy. It's not.

So... what to do? Complain a lot so people "know" my life isn't easy? Continue to be positive and let people think I'm Supermom even if I don't think I am? There has to be a balance there somewhere and that's what the point of this blog is :-)

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am "real". I don't pretend to be someone I'm not... so, for now, I am positive... and if that makes me Supermom in some people's eyes... then great! I am sure God will use that for His glory somehow. And if I end up at a point where I am "faking it" in order to be positive... I will stop... because it's not who I am. And if you are going to know me, you are going to know who I really am. Supermom or not, like it or not.

Now, where did I put that cape? :-)

Vomit

Well, I've been gone a little while. I like to read blogs and really enjoy blogs that are updated often so I try to update mine regularly. But life was interrupted last week by a stomach virus (EW!). First, my four year old got it, then my two year old, and then I got it. Let's just say it was NOT FUN!!! Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who took care of me while I had it. He really went above and beyond. I love that man!!!

What else is up? Well, my oldest has a science fair project to do which will keep our week full. He's in fourth grade and really loves the experiment part of these things, but the actual board... not so much. Can't blame him, really... the experiment is the fun part!!

Soccer starts back this week. All three of the older ones play and it gets busy, but that's okay :) They all practice on the same day at different fields and sometimes the running stresses me out, but we survive. Games will start in a couple of weeks.

Other than that, it's just normal life... there is some meal planning software I've started using, which I LOVE! I'll share details later. I also need to post the pictures of the before and after of my home organization stuff. Hopefully I'll get to that soon :-)

Contentment

Contentment is a big word. I looked it up in the dictionary and the definition that stood out to me was 'being satisfied'. So, the question is... "Am I content?" "Am I satisfied?" "Do I have contentment?"

In short, yes. Most of the time, I do feel content. There are some moments and even some days where I go through the "I wants", but for the most part, I am content and satisfied.

What got me thinking about this is that show Wifeswap. It's not a show I normally watch, and it still isn't... but the other day I wasn't feeling good and was laying in bed watching tv and a rerun of Wifeswap came on, so I watched it. On that show, they have very extreme situations... and they pick extreme opposites, for ratings I'm sure.

But what if there was a real life opportunity for us to temporarily swap lives with someone else? The times that I struggle with contentment are when I look around at other people's lives and think that I want what they have. What if I could swap lives with these people for a few weeks and live their life? At the end of that time would I want to stay in their life, or would I want my life back?

I think we all have a fantasy life in our heads that would be our "ideal"... but we don't live in an ideal world and even what I consider the perfect life would have hardships and difficulties. So, recognizing that there is no such thing as the perfect life... I'll look at mine... the major areas in my life are:

--My husband - There is absolutely nothing I would change about him. He is not perfect and has his faults, but the things he has struggled with have contributed to the man that he is, and I love the man that he is, so I wouldn't change him. At all. He is simply amazing and is absolutely the perfect man for me. So, no way, no how would I change this area of my life.

--My children - They are hilarious! They are tons of work. They suck energy out of me and at the same time motivate me. Each of them is unique and amazing in their own way, and I cannot imagine my life without them. So, nope. Wouldn't change it.

--My "job" - I am a stay at home mom. And I'm not really stay at home mom material. I'm not that "type". There is a lot about my job that I don't like. But if I did anything else I would not have my time with my kids. Would having a job that paid money be something I'd want? We could use the money, for sure. But it just wouldn't be worth it. Time with my kids is more important to me. So, nope. Wouldn't change this either.

--My church - This has been an issue for me. We had a church that we fell in love with and where we grew a lot as Christians. For a long time we compared our other churches to that church, and that created discontentment. At the church we are at now, we struggled with discontentment for a while. But, now, we love it :) We truly have a family there. And... even when we were having some discontentment issues, we could not leave because of our wonderful relationships there, so I guess we must not have been that discontent. So, wouldn't change that either.

--My financial situation - This is the kicker. I'm not content with my financial situation. But (and this is a big but), it's my own fault. We got ourselves into debt early on and are paying the consequences now. And that's not the only contentment issue with money... I do admit that I look around and see all the "stuff" other people have and want it. I'd like to have a bigger house and a better van and extra money to spend on things. And when I look at our situation, a lot of it is because of our debt... but even after that is paid off, God is taking us to a place where we see that our money would be better spent on things other than the latest trendy purse or shoes. So, it has become obvious to me that my discontentment in this area is due to selfishness. I'm selfish. I admit it. God is working on me though :-)

--My relationship with God - I could write a lot about this and this post is already really long.. so I will just say that I am fully satisfied by Christ. I will also say that I am not fully satisfied by my level of commitment and obedience to Him. And, I could go on and on in explanation about this, but I won't right now... maybe another post :-)

So, if I really look at my life... Praise God!!!! He is awesome and amazing and it is only because of Him that I have the life I have. And I LOVE my life!!! :-)

Wifeswap? I think I'd want my life back. I wouldn't trade my life for anybody's life I know. And those things I look around and see in other people's lives that make me jealous or envious... not worth it. When it comes down to it, I'd rather live in my little house with my wonderful husband and my big family without cable and driving my old cars than have all the 'stuff' other people have and miss out on my amazing life.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me!

Now, this hasn't always been true, and it has been a struggle to get to this point, so I plan to share my journey in this area in the future...

So, until next time....

Calling, Birth Control, etc....

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about God's calling on our lives. The fact that He calls each of us (Christians) to different things. The fact that most Christians I know, at some point, seem to become discontent with their calling and want a calling that is not theirs, or even want no calling at all.... I've just been contemplating the "why" of this... the fact that we tend to question our calling, or ignore our calling, or be completely ignorant to what our call is.

I'm guilty for sure. God has called me to some things that I thing "wha??? God, you're crazy!". Okay, so maybe you don't think I should talk to God that way, but I do. God knows I'm thinking it, so I may as well say it to Him :-) Anyway, I do not understand they "why" of God's call on my life. And I have certainly seen someone who is called to some amazing ministry and wondered why God didn't call me to that. I've also been tired and just flat out not wanted to serve or minister in any way.

So, how do we become content with God's call on our lives? How do we figure out what His call for us is?

The initial response of most Christians would be "pray". And, yes, that's true to a certain extent. But with some things in my life I've been called to, I never got that "lightning bolt" where God just came out of the clouds and told me what to do. I've mentioned before that we don't use birth control, so this is as good a time as any to share how we got to where we are on that issue...

When I was about to get married, I started taking the birth control pill. Mostly because it was the thing to do, and quite honestly, making a different choice didn't even cross my mind. My husband to be and I didn't even really discuss it. Fast forward a year... I accepted Christ... this is important because if I didn't know Christ, I wouldn't be able to hear from God.

Fast forward another several months.... I just started to become uncomfortable with birth control. There was no real apparent reason for this... there was just a discomfort there. I mentioned something to my husband about it, but we didn't really think much of it. Fast forward another few months... a couple friend of ours who we really weren't very close to, talked to us about the pill and gave us some reading material on the way it works. Once we read it, we were both so uncomfortable about it, we just could not use it. There was no question in either of our minds that it was wrong for us to use it. We didn't even need to pray about it. We just couldn't do it. We knew it was wrong.

One week later I found out I was pregnant :-) I had become pregnant while taking the pill and didn't know it (no antibiotics or missed pills), so needless to say, birth control was not an issue for several months :-)

After our baby was born, we started discussing options. We knew the pill was out, we knew we wanted more kids so we weren't willing to do anything permanent, so we started looking into other options. Without going into too many details, we just couldn't find a method of birth control that we were comfortable with. The way hormonal birth control works (this includes IUD's, Norplant, Depo Provera, the pill) is disturbing to me and something I was unaware of for a long time.

Okay, so at this point we didn't know what to do, and we started praying. Yes, maybe we should have started praying earlier than this, but we didn't. It wasn't till we were in a bind and unsure of what to do that we started praying. I'm not saying whether that was right or wrong, but it's just the truth... and, honestly, while I do believe we should constantly be in a state of prayer and talking with God, I also believe that sometimes we just know what's right. It's hard to explain, but we just know. So, we started praying and researching... and every time we'd look into a different form of birth control, we either felt it was unbiblical or it just wouldn't work for us (again, trying not to give tmi). After talking and praying, we came to the conclusion that the reason we weren't comfortable with these birth control methods and the reason they wouldn't work for us is because God wanted us to just trust Him. So, we did.

In between my first child and second child we conceived and lost four babies to miscarriage. This was hard and sad. We were confused as to why God would lead us to stop using birth control completely and then give us babies only to take them away. Our struggle during this time is a different story for a different day.

Then we conceived our second child and carried her to term with no complications. We had a boy and a girl now, and everyone thought we should stop having kids. But, no.. we didn't want to be "done", so not long after that, we conceived and carried to term another girl. They were 20 months apart and this was getting hard, so we went through a time of re-evaluation. Should we stop having kids? Should we do something permanent? Look into the birth control methods again? What to do, what to do?

So, we researched again. And we prayed again. Quite honestly, the permanent forms of birth control have side effects that are not okay with us. Side effects that doctors aren't quick to tell us about, or to scan over like they are not a big deal. But if they happen to you they are a big deal. Again... discomfort. We just weren't comfortable with our choices. We were having a hard time. As we did pray, we were convicted to look at our motives for not wanting more children. All we could come up with is that it was HARD and that we don't have a lot of money.

And it was hard... I am not a kid person. Yeah, that sounds terrible... but if you put me in a room full of kids, I am NOT in my comfort zone. My husband likes his space and his time... so why would we have more kids in our small home? I have no patience and go crazy at home and there are a ton more "reasons" why having more kids didn't make sense for us. And we don't have a lot of money. We have three bedrooms and in a day and age where kids supposedly "need" their own room, it's easy to say that we don't have enough room. And then there is the argument that while pregnant I am so much more impatient, so much less fun as a Mom, and very tired... and that because of these things it wasn't fair to my children to have more. So, there were tons of "reasons" why we couldn't and shouldn't have more children. Tons of them.

But sometimes God calls us out of our comfort zone... out of what might make sense to our worldly standards.. He calls us to set aside our wants and what we think our needs are and make a sacrifice. And the way I just worded that makes me uncomfortable... because while, yes, we made a sacrifice by having more children, our "sacrifice" has brought us unspeakable joy :-)

So, we knew God was speaking to our hearts and we decided to trust Him. After almost two years (of not using birth control of any kind... God definitely spaced our babies when in the past there was not much space) we conceived and carried to term a baby boy :) That helped me trust God. It helped me that He gave us a long space between kids. That way I didn't feel like I'd be having baby after baby after baby with no space in between.

Then I got pregnant again very quickly with baby number 5. And I didn't like it... I was upset and for the majority of the pregnancy I questioned God and quite honestly didn't want the baby. It sounds terrible and horrible, but it's true. I didn't want to be pregnant, I didn't want to have and take care of a baby. I just didn't :(

Then he was born. And I still questioned everything. He was cute and sweet... blah, blah, blah... but he was still a needy little newborn that consumed my time. But then God did it... He, as He always is, was faithful. And He gave me a moment, or a series of moments, really, where I just fell in love with my baby. Yes, he is needy, but he is precious and amazing and wonderful and I cannot imagine our lives without him. God is so good!

My husband and I just know that this is what God has called us to. We feel blessed that God would entrust us with these precious babies. And, admittedly, at times we are stressed and confused and we question. But God is faithful :) All of our arguments and excuses for not wanting more children just don't hold water. I'm not a kid person... I'm seriously not a fan of rooms full of other people's children. But God has blessed me with the most amazing and wonderful children.... so, while I'm not a huge fan of children in general, I am a fan of my sweet babies :-) And the no money argument.... my goodness, anyone in the world who owns as much as we do is wealthy by the world's standards. We had to seek God in helping us get over the fact that the people around us have more stuff than us, but that stuff is not eternal while our children's souls are. We wouldn't trade our babies for all the money in the world. Biblically, children are blessings... the love of money is the root of all evil. So, to put the fact that I want more stuff over the fact that God is calling us to have babies would be very, very wrong. And then the argument that it isn't fair to my kids... that is just ridiculous!! My older kids ADORE their baby brothers and sisters! The love in this house is multiplied each time a baby comes, it is not divided, as some would argue.

So, as far as knowing what our calling is... yes, pray! We did. But sometimes along the path, God just spoke to us. He didn't speak to us in huge lightning bolt ways, he spoke to us by making us uncomfortable. He spoke to us by putting people in our path that would tell us what we needed to hear. He spoke to us in many ways and at the times we were willing to listen, it was very clear what we should do. We learned that if we are teachable, willing, and listening that God speaks and leads and it is gently and quietly.... and sometimes it is way outside what we consider common sense and is definitely outside our comfort zone.

Before anyone gets offended, I do want to say that this is a description of our journey on this. And while I do think that in America our attitude toward children isn't what it should be, I don't believe that everyone should just try to have as many babies as they can. Each and every Christian couple should seek God's will for their lives in this area, be willing to listen, and then do as God leads.

So, there it is :-) Have a blessed day!

It's COLD!

Well, if you live further north than I do, you'll think I'm crazy, but for the deep south... this is COLD!!! This morning when I got up it was 16 degrees. There is a chance of wintry precipitation of some sort tomorrow... this is just not normal for us!

To be honest, I like cold weather and normally we don't get much of it. The thing that makes me dread it here is that people here just don't handle it well. The preparedness level for dealing with cold weather and ice is just not very high. Kids don't have really heavy coats because we don't normally need them. Just the slight possibility of some ice causes everyone to freak out and go buy all the bread and water in the stores.

There was one time they were saying we might be getting a storm (this was for a hurricane, though.. not cold weather) and I was in Walmart doing normal shopping. I was trying to get back into the drink section to buy some soda and there were lots of people there... I was standing there waiting for them to get out of the way and all of a sudden someone dropped a big thing of bottled water in my buggy... I was in line for water and didn't know it!!! That storm didn't hit us, by the way...

Also, if we do have ice on the roads, people here just can't drive in it... but they won't admit that, and they will try... and they will wreck. Yikes!

So, it's not the weather itself that concerns me, it's the fact that when people are put in a situation they are not used to... they tend to freak.

Pray for us! :-)

Happy New Year!!

Well, it's 2010! I pray it's a blessed and growing year for anyone reading this :-)

In the past, I've done very different things in terms of resolutions... some years I have made a list of resolutions and other years I have refused to because I never seem to follow through. So, this year, in line with the name of this blog, I'm going for balance :-) Rather than make a list of resolutions that may or may not be accomplished... lets face it, a year is a long time, and a lot can change in a year... I have decided to pray about, decide on, and write out a guiding principle for the year. At first I was trying to write this long, drawn out, pretty sounding sentence... but I just started hearing the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher in my head. That's not a good start ;-) So, I decided to be very simple and direct (the way I like it!)...

This year (2010) I will focus on being thankful.

I looked up the word "thankful" in an online thesaurus and this is what I found:

Main Entry: thankful

Part of Speech: adjective

Definition: appreciative

Synonyms: beholden, content, contented, grateful, gratified, indebted, much obliged, obliged, overwhelmed, pleased, relieved, satisfied.

Antonyms: critical, thankless, unappreciative, ungrateful, unthankful


I just LOVE that list of synonyms and it completely describes what I want my attitude about life and about God to be. I've just read that list over and over and over again... and I will be meditating on it a lot this year. I do believe that an attitude of thankfulness will spill over into my actions and into the attitudes of those I love. And the list of antonyms... those words are ugly and I do not want to reflect those attitudes in my life.

So, my prayer for this year is that God would cultivate an attitude of thankfulness in my heart and life.

I am incredibly thankful for my friends and family! Love you! :-)

And so it begins....